And No Rivers, and No Lakes (Could Put the Fire Out)
by PhoenixFlame123
Summary: Sam is in trouble. Dean doesn't know what to do. Castiel does. [angst, whump, and general feelings.]
1. His Human

_Sam is in trouble. Dean doesn't know what to do. Castiel does. _

_Pairing: Created with Destiel intent, although you can view this as a friendship if you'd like. Whatever goggles you want to wear :)_

_[Co-authored with user fighting-john-watsons-war, also posted on LJ]_

_[Rating/Warnings: T for character whump, mild cursing: Be prepared for angst and feelings]_

**-oOo-**

"It's a trap," Dean breathed as Sam whirled, taking in the amount of demons closing in on them with disbelief.

"Hello, boys," came a smooth voice from above. Dean and Sam looked up to see Crowley standing on the upper level of the large warehouse, leaning against the railing casually and grinning at them. "Good to see you again! You've been ruining my plans for far too long, Winchesters, and now it's my turn to get some payback."

"Like hell you will," Dean growled, refusing to let his fright show in his tone. Sam was clenching the demon knife, but it was only enough to kill three, maybe four of the dozens of demons circling.

_Cas, now would be a good time to - _

Immediately, the flapping of wings filled the air. Dean turned to see Castiel standing in the middle of the two, taking in the surroundings quickly.

Crowley screamed to "_Grab them!"_ at the same instant Castiel reached to grab on to both of the brothers. The demons pounced, each headed for a different Winchester. But at the same instant Cas grabbed Sam's shoulder and raised his wings, ready to disappear, one of the demons grabbed on to the other arm, wrenching him away a millisecond before Cas launched into the air.

_Flap._

Dean stumbled away from the angel, leaning against the cheap motel room's wall for support. "God," he gasped, "I'm still not used to the whole -" his vision focused on Castiel, who was looking at his other arm as if something very important was missing.

Well. Something very important _was_ missing.

"Cas," he said quietly, "Where's Sam?"

Castiel looked straight at Dean, his eyes filled with guilt. "He... a demon ripped him away," he mumbled. "Dean, Crowley has him."

Dean grabbed Cas by the shoulder roughly, suddenly filled with burning heat and rage. "Take us back."

Cas moved away, shaking his head. "No, Dean! I can't smite all those demons at the same time, and Sam had our only knife. We'd be captured before we took a step."

"You're a frickin _angel_, Cas! You're _fine!_ They can't kill you!" Dean tried to bargain angrily, taking another desperate step his way.

Castiel's eyes flashed angrily. "I don't know if you remember, _Dean,_" he spat, "but Crowley captured and tortured Samandriel without too much difficulty. Obviously he has some kind of upper hand against angels. Besides, going back now would mean they would have you, too. We can't take that chance!"

"So, what you're telling me is you can't save my brother," Dean said bitterly, slumping into a chair. He felt helplessness creeping through him. The warehouse they had broken into had been hard enough to infiltrate when Crowley had, apparently, _wanted_ them to. Now, with demons literally crawling the place, Dean had no idea how to save Sam.

He had no idea how to save his little brother.

"Dean, I'm sorry," Cas said softly from his side - _Cas,_ the angel who couldn't do a single _freaking_ thing -

"If you can't save people, what good _are_ you? What's the _point_ of you?" Dean snapped without thinking, head buried in his hands. "Flying around, talking about free will this and free will that, and when it comes down to it you can't even save one _human! _You're _useless!"_

There was a thick silence as Dean's words hung in the air. Dean was shaking from anger, anger at Crowley and at the situation, anger at Cas for being so _useless _and -

"You really can't live without him, can you," came the quiet voice from his left. Dean turned to look at Castiel, who was staring at him, sadness mirrored in his deep blue eyes. Dean just looked at him.

"He's my brother," he said hoarsely. "There's _nobody_ more important to me."

There was a dark flash, like sharp pain, in Castiel's gaze before he dropped his head. "Okay."

Dean glared. "Okay _what?"_

"Okay, I'll get him back. Just wait here."

Dean stood abruptly. "Wait, Cas -"

He was gone.

Dean sat back down, rubbing his face. When the pure adrenaline and fear began to wear off, he replayed the scene in his head, realized just how harsh his words must have sounded. Wondered what the hell the angel was trying to do now. "Shit, Cas," he mumbled, alone in the darkening motel room.

"I'm sorry."

_Too late._

**-oOo-**

"Isn't the one enough for you, sir?"

Crowley threw the lesser demon against the wall harshly. "I wanted them _both!_" he snapped ferociously. "Why didn't you useless little worms _tell_ me they had their angel in tow?"

Sam closed his eyes from where he was strapped to a chair. His chin was dropped to his chest and he tried to ignore the screaming head demon.

_Cas, if you're out there, don't come looking. Crowley's defenses are dozens of times worse than the first time. Tell Dean I'll be okay, just don't come back._

He hoped the prayer had reached the angel, wherever he was, but his thoughts were interrupted by a fist impacting with his face. He felt the pain shock through his jaw as his eyes flew open to see Crowley standing above him, a dark glare on his face.

"Listen here, moose," Crowley muttered. He started pacing, the room empty save for the two. "I'm sick and tired of you stupid little Winchesters ruining all my plans. I meant to have both of you to dispose of, but it looks like I'll have to keep you around until your brother comes storming back to save you."

"He won't," Sam muttered through gritted teeth as the shock waves lessened. "Dean's not that stupid."

"Oh, he is when it comes to his little brother," Crowley mocked. "Little Sammy, the only thing Dean cares about in the whole wide world. How much do you want to bet he'll come racing in here with naught but a knife and his angel pet?"

"Almost right," came a horribly familiar voice from behind Crowley. He spun around as Castiel appeared, arms hanging limply at his sides.

Crowley grinned widely. "I hoped you'd come here, Castiel. Didn't even bother to put up angel-proofing, as you could obviously tell." He suddenly produced a long, thin blade that Sam registered as an angel blade.

Sam pulled at his bonds desperately. "Cas, no," he pleaded, "just get out of here -"

Crowley waved his hand and Sam's throat tightened, rendering him silent. Castiel was looking at the blade sadly, but not with concern. He slowly looked back up at Crowley. "You can't kill me with that now. I'll be gone before you have a chance."

"True," Crowley said, "but come any closer and I'll bury it in your pretty little head." He twirled it threateningly. "Though somehow I doubt you came here to fight."

Castiel paused before shaking his head slowly. "I'm here to make a deal."

Sam furrowed his brow in confusion while Crowley clapped his hands excitedly. "Ooh, good! I _love_ deals!" he smirked. "So, what's the offer? Sam's life for...?"

"Something much more valuable." Cas looked Crowley dead in the eye. Crowley's eyebrows raised; he obviously knew where this was going, but said nothing, waiting for Castiel to say it out loud.

Sam shook his head desperately as Cas raised his arms in resignation, looking down at himself. "Well... me," he said. "Let Sam go and I'll let you do whatever you want with me."

Crowley couldn't stop beaming. "Are you kidding?" he asked gleefully. "Half of the Winchester brothers for a slice at another Angel of the Lord? And _their_ _pet,_ on top of that? I can just imagine their faces! You've got yourself a _deal!_" He turned, grinning gleefully at Sam, who was straining desperately, shaking his head. "Hear that, moose? Your angel friend really did save you after all!"

He snapped his fingers and the bonds holding Sam down were released. Sam attempted to jump at him immediately, but Crowley just flicked him back to the chair. He turned to Cas, whose eyes were dark and resigned. "So, what, I just let Sam go from here and keep you?"

"Let me bring him back to where Dean is," Castiel said. "I'll be back immediately after that, but I'd prefer to know that they're both safe before turning myself over."

"Riiight," Crowley said, pressing his lips together. "Except, dear, that makes it all too easy for you to just flap away once you've dropped Sam off. If I know you, you're not one for keeping promises with demons."

Castiel looked Crowley dead in the eyes, angel to demon. "I am an Angel of the Lord, and I give you my word," he said seriously, and something in his voice was - different. Stronger. Ringing with - well, it seemed like it was literally ringing with truth.

Sam wasn't sure what just happened, although Crowley seemed impressed. "Okay, okay, I believe you," he said. "I'll let you bring little Sammy home. And not that I don't believe you, but you should know that if you _do_ break your promise, next time I see you I'll put a bullet through both of your humans' brains! Understood?" His light tone didn't match the severity of his words, but Cas only nodded.

"Understood." He made his way around Crowley to where Sam sat, shaking his head, trying to say something around Crowley's voice block. "Come on, Sam," Cas said, reaching for his arm, and when he was that close Sam could just _see_ the sadness and fear in his eyes, "I'm taking you home."

_Flap._

**-oOo-**

The two reappeared near the motel. Cas was breathing heavily now and somewhat stumbled away from Sam, all the flying and transporting wearying him. Sam just stared at him in horror.

"Cas," he whispered, the pressure on his throat having disappeared, "what did you do?"

Castiel grimaced. "I just saved you from a lot of torture and, more than likely, death," he answered matter-of-factly. At the stunned silence from Sam, he added snarkily, "You're _welcome._"

"But you're not going to actually go back, are you?" Sam asked as Castiel started walking towards the motel room where Dean must be waiting. Cas didn't answer. Sam grabbed his shoulder and stopped him. "Cas," he said seriously. "You're not going to go back, are you?"

"Of course I'm going to go back," Castiel snapped angrily, glaring at Sam. "You heard what Crowley would do to you two if I didn't. Besides, I gave my word."

"Yeah, and what the hell does that count for?"

Castiel rolled his eyes. "I gave a _promise._ An angel's promise? You heard how it sounded different. I'm basically bound to it now."

"Then break the deal. Just take me back and none of this will happen," Sam tried to bargain as Cas pushed by, walking faster. Sam fell into step behind him, still pressing his point. "Cas, just listen. I don't want you to have to do this for me. Crowley knows how to torture angels, he'll -"

"I know what he'll do, Sam!" Castiel yelled, whirling. He stopped, closed his eyes, and took a breath. "Listen," he continued, quieter, "as much as I _don't_ want you to be hurt, I'm... I'm doing this for Dean. He can't... you're the only thing that matters to him. And I can't bear to see him missing a part of himself like that. He..." Cas paused, looking at his feet. "Dean won't miss me. He never has. But without you, Dean isn't _Dean._ And I can't be responsible for hurting him like that." There was a pause as Sam began to realize something, began to see something hidden in Castiel's eyes, but the angel turned.

"So, end of discussion."

**-oOo-**

Dean bolted up out of his chair as the door opened, eyes widening in shock as he saw both Cas in the doorway and his brother.

"Sam!" he half-shouted in relief, rushing forward to make sure he was okay. Sam just slumped on the closest bed, staring off into space. Dean stared at him for a moment before turning to Castiel, who was looking at him sadly.

"Cas," he said quietly, dangerously, because this was _wrong,_ this was _impossible,_ "What did you do?"

Castiel did not say a word. He looked at Dean and he didn't say a _word._

"Cas, tell me," Dean said, now becoming really frightened, taking a step towards his friend, "tell me what you -"

"Goodbye, Dean," Cas said simply, and he was gone.

"_Cas!_" Dean shouted, moving forward aimlessly. He whirled, cursing into thin air. "Sam, what the hell is he doing?"

"He's going to Crowley," Sam said, not taking his eyes off the wall. Dean stared at him in disbelief. "He made a _deal."_

Dean didn't register what he said for a long moment. "He... _what? _He made a _deal?_"

"Dean, Cas gave himself up for me." He laughed shortly. "Or, if what he said was true... he gave himself up for _you._ And now he's - I don't know. He's _dying_."

Dean stood, shocked, for a moment before grabbing Sam's shoulder and forcing him to face him.

"You tell me everything that angel said."

_Cas._

_Cas, I'm sorry._

**-oOo-**

It was very quick, once Castiel stopped to think about it.

All it took was another very draining flap of the wings to appear in Crowley's warehouse, where a horde of demons was ready to restrain him.

It wasn't _all_ necessary. Not at that point, at least. Castiel had no intention of running - he might later, but for now he was living up to his promise.

But it did hurt.

It hurt when he allowed himself to be forced into a chair, looking almost exactly like the one they had kept Samandriel in.

It hurt when he saw the angel-restraining tools they had used to make the straps holding him upright.

It hurt to realize that he was really and truly captured.

Castiel closed his eyes as they fit the last chain around his leg too tight, rendering him absolutely helpless. He reminded himself why he was doing this. Who he was doing this for.

For the Winchesters.

(_For Dean._)

And yes, it hurt when they fit the helmet around his head. When he felt the first screw break his skin, pushing deeper and deeper into his forehead. And when they put in the next one. And the next one.

And Castiel screamed.

He screamed because it hurt, because it hurt more than he could have imagined, and because it was reaching not only his vessel's body but the very essence of himself, drilling deeper and deeper and twisting and scraping and _hurting - _

_(for Dean)_

When he opened his eyes, the world swum and twisted, focusing vaguely on one face that was always there, always gleefully grinning, having the time of his life.

And so Crowley brought another Angel of the Lord to desperation.

Over a human.

_(for Dean)_

They left him for a bit. Let him sit there, gasping for breath, his "angel radio" disabled, alone (_alone alone alone_) with screws in his head and he cried.

Castiel cried.

**-oOo-**

_Stay tuned: Chapter 2 will be coming very soon._

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	2. His Angel

**Quite a bit more Destiel in this one.**

**Also a lot more violence, so if that sets you off... use discretion. (There's nothing graphic, but it's solid torture.)**

**Thanks for reading! Please leave a review!**

**-Phoenix**

**-oOo-**

Dean sat with his head buried in his hands.

"So," he said hoarsely, "so, you're telling me Cas did this for _me._ He's with Crowley, getting tortured and God knows what else - he's doing that for _me._"

And he remembered his words, his shouts ringing in the motel room, his rants at the angel who had always done his best to save them -

"_What good are you? You're useless!"_

And still - and still, after that -

And now -

"We're going in after him."

Sam whipped his head up, looking at Dean in disbelief as the older Winchester got up, gathering what he needed. "You're kidding me."

"You heard me. We're not leaving him." He was deadly serious. He was not letting Cas do this. He was not going to let Cas die.

_ (for __him__)_

_ (not __again__) _

_ (not __forever__) _

"Dean, you're crazy. This is exactly what Crowley wants!" Sam tried to reason desperately. He got to his feet as Dean continued preparations. "Dean, we'll both get killed!"

Dean was hearing none of it. "No. We're not leaving him. And I don't care what the hell Crowley expects, I can't - I _won't_ live knowing our friend did this for us and we abandoned him." He turned and looked at Sam, who was opening and closing his mouth in indecision. Dean looked him dead in the eyes.

"Sam, I'm going. With or without you. So are you in?"

Sam closed his mouth. He set his jaw.

"How are we gonna do this?"

**-oOo-**

"Morning, sunshine!"

Castiel opened his eyes. The world blurred before coming into a kind of shady focus. He hadn't slept - angels couldn't sleep, something he now considered a curse after having sat through hours of the night with long screws firmly embedded deep in his skull. Any movement caused excruciating pain to the point of blackout (were he able to blackout), and his neck strained with the effort of keeping his head level.

Crowley had no need for sleep, either, but had chosen to let Castiel sit through the night with the knowledge of the strain it would take. Now, fatigued and in torment, the angel sat helplessly as the demon prowled around him, a predator to his prey.

"Now, I think what I like best about all of this is that you _chose_ to put yourself in this situation," Crowley was mocking. Castiel blinked and blinked again. He took in a breath and he let it out.

He was still alive.

"I like that you _wanted_ this, angel. And now you're here and all you want is for it to stop. And who's going to save you?" He put a hand to his chin, as if thinking. "Well, not your angel friends. They'd probably be glad to see you go - the angel who destroyed Heaven, am I right? And not your little Winchester pets - we've made that point pretty clear, I believe." He tapped his chin thoughtfully. "I guess that leaves you all alone without a friend in the world, eh Cassie?"

Castiel just glared. He did not speak a word.

_ (for Dean)_

_ (I am doing this for Dean)_

"Ah, well!" Crowley beamed. "I guess we'll just have to keep doing this, then!"

With that, he whipped out a small black device, not hesitating before plunging it into Castiel's arm.

In a second, he was screaming, electricity pumping through him, pounding through his veins, through his heart, through his brain, and he thrashed in his bonds (making the screws only move even deeper into his skull) and he _screamed._

His true voice leaked through a bit as he cried out, a high-pitched whine edging his voice, and Crowley didn't even let the last surge ebb before jamming it into his other arm.

Now the pain was so great it was blinding and deafening and all there was in Castiel's world was pain and agony and torment and torture and _Dean_

because this was for _Dean_

When the last of the surge faded, still leaving an ache in his whole body, still tingling on the ends of his fingers and toes, when his vision returned only fractionally to see Crowley's still smiling face, still light tone, Castiel heard Crowley speak.

"That was enough voltage to kill a couple hundred humans at a time, Cassie. You're responding quite well to it, I'm impressed. Maybe we should up the power just a little bit."

He twirled a dial on the small device generously, another smirk sneaking across his face. Castiel strained backwards, trying so hard, _so hard_ to get away, and he opened his mouth and all he could manage was a whimper as Crowley moved towards him again.

"I'm having a lot of fun, Cassie," he said liltingly. He plunged it into Castiel's knee and this time it hurt _so, so much worse, and_ - "I could do this for a long, long time."

_ (for Dean)_

**-oOo-**

Dean rubbed at his eyes viciously as the sun began to peek over the horizon. He hung up the phone yet again, turning to Sam who was slouched over a well-worn list. "Any luck?"

"We have the majority of the materials we need left over from last time we used a demon bomb," Sam said wearily. "But without Cas, and if you're not getting anywhere, I don't know how we'll get the rest."

"Well I've been calling every person I know or have ever known, and there's nothing," Dean said, running fingers through his hair.

"You tried Kevin?"

"Of course I tried Kevin!" Dean snapped. "None of them are answering their phones... they must have had the numbers switched."

Sam huffed. "Without this bomb, we're screwed." After further thought, he added, "_With_ the bomb, we're screwed, too, but that's a different point."

"And we're _sure,_ we're _absolutely certain,_ that nobody made a spare?"

Sam stopped. "Well, as far as I know, but..." his brow furrowed. "It seems like Cas got a lot more materials than we needed that one time... maybe..." he suddenly jolted up, making for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "_Maybe -_"

Dean followed him as Sam ran for the Impala, jerking the trunk up and rummaging through the weapons stored there. "Hey, be careful!" he shouted as Sam knocked guns and blades aside, digging for the very bottom.

"I thought, once - maybe - I saw Cas - but then - _yes!"_ Sam grabbed something and yanked it out victoriously, inspecting it with relief.

A Ziploc bag with every material needed to make a demon bomb.

There was a sticky note, put upside-down on the bag. Sam peeled it off to see three tiny words written across it.

_ Just in case. -C_

"Cas, you beautiful son of a bitch," Dean breathed from behind his brother. "Is this all we need?"

"Looks like it," Sam said, turning the bag over in his hand. He turned to face Dean. "Are you ready?"

Dean's face set in determination. "Hell yes. It's been too long already." He walked to the driver's side of the Impala. "Get this ready while we drive. It's high time we save our angel."

_ (my angel)_

_ (Cas, we're coming)_

**-oOo-**

"The thing is, I _could_ be using this."

Crowley whipped out his angel blade, studying it thoughtfully. Castiel blinked through the haze, blood and unbidden tears blurring his vision. But there was Crowley - there was always Crowley.

Castiel heaved air into his lungs, blinked, exhaled.

He was alive. He was still alive.

"But that would just be _boring._" Crowley was twirling the blade in his fingers, regarding him maliciously. "And risky. I don't need you dying on me _just_ yet. No, Castiel, I'm having fun with you right now. We can save the angel blade for later." He set the blade down lightly, inspecting the rest of the instruments like a child would new toys on Christmas. "So, what next?" While he tried to decide, he went back to the basics, forcing more of the helmet's spikes further into Castiel's head. It ground further and further and soon Castiel was screaming again, fists clenching against the bonds that he should have been able to break out of so easily by now but he _couldn't,_ he couldn't even save himself now -

- and he was remembering Dean's words, Dean saying -

"_What's the point of you? You're useless -"_

And he knew - he knew he was right -

The only thing he could ever do right was to die.

And he couldn't even do that.

And Crowley kept forcing the helmet further and Castiel kept crying out brokenly and his true voice smashed through, breaking the glass window high above them and some containers Crowley had nearby, and he was thrashing and pulling and he was _useless - _

_ (for Dean)_

_ (Dean, I am so sorry)_

**-oOo-**

_ Hold on Cas, we're coming._

"Is it ready?"

"Just about," Sam answered distractedly, perfecting the last few steps of the spell. Dean tapped his fingers against the Impala's steering wheel anxiously, looking up at the warehouse where prowled countless demons.

"So, our plan is -"

"Dean, we've been over the plan," Sam said patiently. "We just run in there as far as we can. The demons can't kill us, they know Crowley wants us, but once we can't get past them, we use the bomb. That should be able to clear our path enough to get to Cas."

"He's been in there for so long, Sam," Dean said worriedly. "What if he's already -" he stopped because _no,_ no, that wasn't going to happen.

_ (not to Cas)_

_ (not for him)_

_ (not because of him)_

"I'm sure he's okay, Dean," Sam was saying somewhere in the background - a statement that really wasn't comforting in the slightest, but Dean didn't press the point. Sam finished with an exhale and turned to Dean. "I'm ready."

Dean took one last look at the warehouse. He wondered if this was the right thing to do, what was best for Sam, what was best for everyone -

- but then he remembered. He remembered Castiel's face, and his words -

"_I'm doing this for Dean -"_

and he remembered his own words

"_You're useless -"_

"_There's _nobody _more important to me than Sam-"_

And then, without warning, from the warehouse there came the worst kind of scream, guttural and piercing and filled with agony and it was _Cas_ and suddenly there wasn't even a question anymore - and for once in his life, Dean wasn't worried about what was best for Sam.

"Let's go."

**-oOo-**

"Please," Castiel gasped, reduced to begging, reduced to pleading, as embarrassing tears slid down his face, his body racked with spasms of pure pain, and there wasn't anything else in his head except to _stop the pain_, and "please, please, just stop, please stop -"

"But we're having fun!" Crowley whined as he jammed the sharp screw even _further,_ even _further inside his head,_ and Castiel screamed and jerked and started babbling Enochian, because Crowley had finally reached the "angel-database" point, but it was different from Samandriel (as Crowley had so graciously explained to him) because Castiel was still conscious, still feeling, and it was more frantic and more frenzied than with the other angel, and he couldn't stop - he couldn't stop anything, because he was useless and pathetic and weak and -

_ (for Dean for Dean for Dean for Dean)_

"Oh, how sweet, _for Dean,_" Crowley was mocking, and Castiel realized he must have been saying it out loud this time, repeating the mantra through his cries. "Funny how Dean doesn't seem to give a rat's ass about what's happening to _you,_ though."

But he didn't care.

He already knew.

He already knew what Dean felt. And that was okay. That didn't matter (it mattered, but not now) because as long as Dean was happy -

- Dean would be happier without him, and -

Crowley jammed the black device into his leg again and it was back to the same pain (worse, always worse, but still pain) and his screams physically shook the room -

_ (for Dean for Dean)_

He didn't know if it was out loud, he didn't care -

_ (for Dean)_

but this time when the pain ebbed away, something was different. Crowley wasn't smiling, or grinning, or smirking or _anything._ He was listening.

And from the distance, there were sounds -

Sounds of fighting, sounds of - of shouting? and -

_ No, no, stop, stop it Castiel, they're not stupid enough to do that, they don't care enough to do that - _

And a huge explosion, like - like a demon bomb?

And footsteps -

And Crowley whirling, turning towards the door, and -

and there was -

there was Dean?

_ Dean, Dean, Dean_

And everything was going to be okay until Crowley stabbed him.

**-oOo-**

"_NO!" _Dean was screaming as he ran towards Crowley -

Crowley, who was torturing Cas (and they had heard his screams)

Crowley, who had just stabbed the angel (_his angel, his angel)_ in the stomach with the angel blade and a "Good to see you, boys!"

Crowley, who was gone before Dean could reach him

Before Dean could _kill_ him

And there -

There was Cas -

And he was crying and bleeding and thrashing and calling -

Calling for _Dean -_

And he ran to his side desperately, disbelievingly, unable to believe it, _unwilling_ to believe it because there was the blade and it was sticking out of Cas - _his Cas -_ and the angel was bleeding, the angel was starting to shine and _no, no, no, no, no - _

"Dean... I... I didn't want you to come..." Cas was gasping, crying, and Dean pulled at the godforsaken helmet, trying to loosen it - but it only hurt him more, only made him cry out again; but he managed to take it out, managed to get it out of Cas's head, and he cringed at the sight, at how much pain Cas had to be in -

"Dean... you're..." Cas was confused, vaguely looking at Dean as the deep wound in his stomach started to glow blue. But he seemed to force it back as Dean tried desperately to yank away the bonds. "I thought..." his voice was a whisper, rough and hoarse and filled with unimaginable agony, but filled with such strange clarity. "I thought you only wanted Sam."

_Guilt. _"Cas, don't - I didn't mean -"

"I want you to be happy, Dean. I always do what you ask." Castiel's blue eyes were unfocused and glazed over and if not for the directness of his previous statement, Dean wasn't even sure that Castiel had realized that _yes_, Dean was here, Dean had come for him, Dean wasn't just a hallucination or a side-effect of literally being driven out of his mind with pain.

"I didn't ask for this, Cas. Come on - please, we can -"

"It was an angel-killing blade - I am an angel, Dean."

"Don't even go there - _Sammy_! Sammy, where are you, I need help -"

"Dean, please - don't -" he was gasping for breath, confused, "I saved him for _you_, why would you bring him back -"

Dean tugged at the restraints, the adrenaline of the moment making it easy to rip them off the angel - _his _angel. He gritted his teeth and kept speaking. "Cas, how the _hell _do you not know that - dammit, Cas, Sam is my brother, but you're my family too - Cas, you _are_ important, okay, you're about the most important thing -"

And Castiel's expression morphed into that of sincere confusion, which caused a nearly audible crack in Dean's heart. "But..."

He shook his head limply from side to side, causing him to cry out softly in pain from the movement while also banishing this foreign thought, pretending he hadn't just committed the most treacherous crime of imagining Dean had told him just how important he was - because pride was _human _and Cas wasn't human, that was the problem, and from the look of things he would never get to be.

Dean did away with the final binding and caught Cas as he just slumped down into his arms, unable to support his own body weight, gently lowering him to the floor and cradling him (he wouldn't even deny it) in his arms tightly -

"Cas, just - hear me out. You are so, _so _important, you hear me -"  
"I did everything I could for you, Dean. I am sorry... I am sorry it wasn't enough."

"Fuck - Cas, not one person on this earth has done as much as you have. Not one. Look at me. Hey. Right here. Not _one_ person on this earth, do you got that?"

Castiel's eyes flickered open shut open shut, tracing quickly the lines and furrows and freckles that dotted Dean's face, reading him for once like an open book. He reached up a weak hand. He touched Dean's arm. His face, just softly. "Dean..."

His eyes slid shut once more, fluttering gently, and then nothing. His breathing, which had spiked due to the agitation, evened out and became nearly nothing.

"Cas. Eyes. Keep 'em open. Cas. Come on, Cas. Don't you dare quit on me now - _Sammy_! - don't you _dare_ quit now, Castiel -"

But Cas went slack as the light consumed his body, less of an explosion than a simple glowing, encompassing his whole body. Dean shut his eyes tight, tears leaking out, as he felt Cas go limp, hand falling to the floor because dammit, not even angels were immune to gravity, especially not dead ones _(dead, dead, dead_) - and Dean pretended that Cas was still in control, was just taking a breather, recovering from his injuries while still retaining the vital ability to open his eyes again - and if Cas couldn't do it himself Dean would just pry them open with his fingers or a crowbar or something because Cas wasn't actually dying _(dying, dying, dying_), not now and definitely not like this (not for him).

"Cas. Cas. Cas, wake up. Cas..._Cas_? _Castiel_?!"

And any second now Cas was just going to stand up from the floor and dust off his clothes like normal and he would use his mojo to get the bloodstains _(so much blood)_ out of his trenchcoat and things could go back to normal, with the lack of personal space and the staring (that's why Cas needed to open his eyes soon, you see) and then Dean could apologize with copious amounts of pie and then he'd take Cas out with him, just Cas, just for fun, so he could see how much Dean wanted to be around him and -

"Dean?"

Dean flinched and instinctively clutched the body tighter in his hands.

"Sammy?" he muttered and _whoa._ When did his voice get that gravelly and hoarse?

Sam walked around Dean and crouched in front of him, eyes locked on the still chest that _(once)_ housed an angel of the Lord.

"Oh, Dean..." he sighed. Dean showed no sign that he even heard Sam, eyes closed and swaying slightly on his knees.

Sam reached for Cas _(his empty vessel) i_n an attempt to literally take some of the weight off Dean, like Dean had being doing for him his entire life, but Dean growled, low and vicious and utterly dangerous.

"No..." he muttered. "Don't..." He needed to keep him. He needed to keep his angel.

Sam took in one more good look before clenching his eyes shut and cursing God internally with every fiber he had left in his body because what the crap, God, how is this okay?

Dean was hunched over this corpse, this still-warm reminder (this rotting remnant of whatever-Cas-was-to-Dean, hell, Dean didn't wanna label it but Sam would call it love) of their best friend, tears streaming, tears gushing, muttering somethings under his breath that Sam couldn't hear, would never know, and would never understand, still rocking on his knees and, in the most awkward manner possible, slowly using the hand that wasn't fisted in the holy-tax-accountant attire to reposition the body to lie flat on his back, practically in Dean's lap so he could stroke his hair or his hand, whatever he could reach so he wouldn't have to _let go_.

He wasn't letting his angel go anywhere without him anymore.

**-oOo-**

_End_

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